True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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