dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
