i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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