Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
