everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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