I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
