If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
