I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
