and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
