Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
