Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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