Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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