I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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