He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
