we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
