I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
