Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
