You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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