i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
