Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
