My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
