A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Randomize
