I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Randomize
