Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
