Whod you bang
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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