You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
