I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don't deserve a penis
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
