When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
