Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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