I didn't shave. On purpose
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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