i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
