I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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