When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
