I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
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We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
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Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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