who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
