This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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