Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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