I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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