Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
