Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
