Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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