I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
