just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
