Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
