I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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