my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
