someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
