I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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