Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
