Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
