the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
