Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
