All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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