I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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