he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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