How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
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