i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
