I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
